Your dad touched me again.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
