My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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