I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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