Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
