Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just want to make out with him forever
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
