I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
