You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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