By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
