I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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