look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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