Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Everclear isn't food dammit
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
