I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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