I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
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