My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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