It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just pee around me
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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