If i come over, it means nothing
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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