i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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