I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
