You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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