I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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