help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
