Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
