If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
