He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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