to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
