i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize