I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
