mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
