im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
