my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
