I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize