I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize