She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
