Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just found puke in my bra..
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
