my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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