She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
