I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
