He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
