My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
