i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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