Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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