So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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