I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Couch. On fire.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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