Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
