We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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