The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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