Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
