I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
