Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
