i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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