she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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