took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
two words: eviction party
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
