I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
