I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
