So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
