there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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