Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
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