it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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