I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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