hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
