he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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